Defusing an awkward situation

One of the things I know as a church leader is that the longer you serve a church as a pastor, you learn what to talk about and what not to talk about with different (and difficult) people.

It's not that certain issues should not be addressed - but there is always a time and a place for that.

I'm talking about the every Wednesday and Sunday encounter - the "meet and greet" times when we shake one another hands and ask how each other is doing - and we always respond, "fine, fine, I am doing fine."

Many times that is not correct - but then that is for another blog.

I'm talking about sitting next to someone at a potluck dinner, during our coffee connection time, in a life group or in a meeting.

How do you defuse a difficult, awkward situation with difficult people?

I read an article today that summarizes some great points on doing so.

Some you might agree with, some you might not quite agree with, some of the points you might reject outright.

Anyway, here they are:

Minimize time with problem people.  Keep interactions as short as possible.  Now, what that does not mean to do is the passive aggressive "Christian thing" and not talk to people whom you either don't like or have problems with.  To put it crassly, that's eight grade stuff.

Sometimes, I forget who is talking to me and who isn't as I walk through the foyer.  At my age, it gets confusing.

But what that does mean is that you and I can "meet and greet" and have a friendly time of conversation with that (difficult) person in a godly way.  We can treat one another with respect and love.

Keep it logical.  With a difficult person, keep the conversation fact based with minimal details.  Don't try to connect and reason with difficult people.  Their response will often only make you more upset.

Focus on them in conversation.  One way to avoid being the target of demeaning comments, manipulation or having your words twisted is to say as little as possible.  Some folks are like the Pharisees in the New Testament, constantly trying to trap you with your words.

Here's a big one:  Give up the dream that they will one day be the person you wish them to be (outside of the working of the Holy Spirit in their lives).  This is huge.  With my personality, I take a difficult person as a challenge, a challenge that either I or God (with my help) can change them.  Not going to happen.  We all lower our anxiety levels when we deal with people on the level of, "that's just the way they are." 

Some folks wants to fight immediately. 

Others carry offense around like a badge. 

No matter what you say or do, they will walk away from any encounter saying to themselves, "why did they say that."  "What point were they trying to prove?"  "What hidden motive do they have for telling me that?"  (Just one point here:  I feel sorry for folks like that - what a lousy way to live).

Still others cringe at any kind of authority.  Others still have an immediate dislike for you or your personality.

You are not going to change them! 

If you expect that person to change they will always end up disappointing or hurting you.

Accept them as they are - love them as they are!

Avoid topics that get you into trouble.  This is another big one in church life.  Before any interaction with a difficult person, mentally review the topics that invite attack and make an effort to avoid them. 

Don't try to get them to see your point of view.  Don't try to explain yourself or get them to empathize with you.  They won't.  You will walk away feeling worse for trying.

I wish I was better at all this stuff - but I wrestle with it.  My prayer and desire is that I continue to grow in this area - and be the man of God that God wants me to be.