What do you do when you hear someone say "no" to something you want?
Do you get mad, either inwardly or outwardly. You have an internal or external temper tantrum.
Do you judge the other person, thinking that they "should" do what you ask; you think they are selfish or don't care about you.
Do you go further than judging. Do you see the other person as really bad; or you don't see them as good at all. All you see is bad.
You emotionally or physically withdraw from the person.
You feel hurt or unloved.
You try to make them feel guilty, either to punish them or to get them to do what you want.
You become cynical about ever getting what you want in life or the relationship.
You turn into judge, prosecutor, and salesperson. You object to every reason they have for saying no.
You smile on the outside and hide your real feelings, going along as if it's okay when it's not.
What is essential in any good relationship?
Freedom.
If we are not free, we can't love.
If people feel that they can't say no to us and if they do things for us out of complusion, guilt, or feelings of obligation, they will resent doing these things. Freedom and love suffer, and even fulfilled desire can't fully fuflill because they are not given in love.
There are no magic words to show someone they are free to say no, other than telling them:
"I don't want you to feel like you "have to" do this, but could you give me a ride to work tomorrow?"
"I want you to feel totally free to not do this, so tell me if you don't want to. Will you help me move this weekend?"
"I don't want you to feel any pressure about this, so I want you to know that going in. Feel free to tell me no, okay? So here it is - I want you to join this committee with me and help me organize the Fall Event."
People who find it difficult to ask for things may find it helpful to say things like this to put the other person at ease.
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1 comment:
I have to agree with Youth Extreme, that expectations need to be up front. Hidden facts that come up later can cause a lot of unwanted stress on every one.
We have to realize that you will always have your givers and doers and your ones that just don’t want to be involved at any level. That is between them and God. Personally if I have the time and resources I will usually say yes. I’m more of a instant in season and out of season type of guy. I have a very flexible life. No, I’m not retired yet. But, if someone needs something, I’ll usually drop what I’m doing to help. Everything and anything can wait, when it comes to doing something for God.
Now don’t take me wrong. I have my own sense of priorities.
1. My relationship with God.
2. My relationship with my wife
3. My relationship with my children
4. My relationship with my job.
5. My relationship with the church
You might ask yourself, where do you fit into my priority list? My relationship with God requires me to be obedient to Him and His Word. The Lord impresses on me, what I am to do for you as the situation requires. Ministering to people is ministering to God. Jesus said. “If you have done it onto the least of these my brethren, you have done it onto me.” Remember our Motto: Love God and Love People. When you live a life with that in mind, you really can’t live past the present, because something might come up, where God requires you, to do something.
I can take people telling me, no. But I can’t say no to God. If you tell God no too often, He just might quit asking. Another way to look at say no to God, is how many unanswered prayers do you have. Why should God answer your prayers when you are constantly saying no to Him? It’s something to think about. To the one who knows to do good and doesn’t, to him it is sin.
Say yes to Jesus and he will say yes to you.
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