I think I have come up with a new term (at least I have never heard it before). It's called "backlash resentment".
"Backlash resentment" is when I (or anyone) begins to resent someone(s) who is showing resentment toward me over a period of time.
You wait and you watch and if that person(s) attitude doesn't change, you find yourself giving in to a resentment about that person's resentment.
I see "backlash resentment" in marriages, at the worksite, and in the church.
One spouse resents the other for things that they perceive are negative. The other spouse picks up on that resentment and begins to have negative feelings toward the other, not based on what they did, but based on the negative feelings that they are projecting.
In other words, "if you don't like me," "than I am not going to like you."
What to do?
Well, off the top of my head:
1. Have a healthy self-image of who you are. Having a healthy self-image comes from having a correct God-image of yourself. How God looks at you. God loves you. God likes you. God is for you. God has a plan and purpose for your life. Nothing can separate me from God's love.
2. Resist being co-dependent. One facet of co-dependancy is an obession to control someone else's behavior or feelings.
3. Set up a pow-wow. Set up a time where you can openly express your feelings. A non-threatening setting is preferable. A restaurant. Somewhere public.
4. Pray (for all your spiritual type folks, that of course is number one - these are not in any particular order).
5. Resist the temptation to hurt back. Hurting people hurt people. Hurting people hurt easily.
6. Have an attitude of "that's their problem." If I like me and God likes me, than whoever doesn't like me - that's their problem. What really counts in the long run is the way God looks at me, the way I look at myself, and the way that others close to me look at me.
Just some thoughts...any other steps someone can take?
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2 comments:
I think you hit them all George. If God is for you, who can be against you? We must love God above all things...secondly, we must love our neighbors. In this case, these two go together. If we love God, then His opinion/view of us is paramount; our view, or the view of others, matters not. But we should not become oblivious to how others are feeling around us. If we love God and love our neighbors, then we should not have any reason for others to resent us. If they do, we should look at their resentment, address it with them, and move on...as long as we are right with God.
I, like you, hear this a lot from those who work for me, from those who confide in me, from those who are involved with me, and from those who don't like me. I judge their comments in the fulcrum of God and His Word. I counsel them (workers, confidantes, acquaintances, etc.) using the Word and do my best to alleviate their grievances with one another. For those who comment against me, I look to the Word, to the Holy Spirit, to Jesus Christ, and to God to identify for me any thing that I might have done wrong to the person...if I can find none, I try to mend the fence and move on if I can't, waiting for a future chance at reconciliation. If I find some, I ask forgiveness and understanding, seeking to mend the fence.
But, as with some people, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. I don't lose sleep over it unless the conviction of the Holy Spirit is upon me...if that's the case, I should be working toward reconciliation anyway. I pray for the person/people and move on.
Movin' on, movin' on.
Love God, love people. I love that motto and I love that we use it here at First Assembly. Can we change our church name to Love Assembly? Assembly of Love? Love First? Think about it!
Jon
"that's their problem." Let it go. Easier said than done now that I think about it. One of the hardest things for me to do is move on when I know I've done something to someone and they can't -or won't- forgive me for it. I feel like it's constantly hanging over my head. I usually make a mountain into a mole hill. I discovered something the other day that I wish I wouldn't have. A mole hill that to me was a mountain. Perhaps it was, but the person that did this refuses to admit it's a mountain. So what do you do when a mole hill is actually a mountain? When something to you is huge but the person that did it refuses to admit so? I suppose it goes back to the hurting people hurt easily statement. They already have enough mountains and can't climb another. This is where it should be "that's their problem." In a way I'm the one not forgiving and moving on, but I feel like the thing I need to forgive isn't being looked at the way I look at it. Then I should move onto number 4. Pray.
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