A lot of times we don't receive what we want or need because we are asking in the wrong way.
What are some of the keys to "asking well?"
Want Well
distinguish between our needs and your wants. Even with our wants, we need to want what is best for everyone as well as ourselves.
"Wanting well" means that I share my desires without driving someone away.
Realize that it's okay to try to get what you want.
Solomon said, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." Proverbs 13:12
Our heart's desires and longing bring life to our lives.
If we don't have ways of making them known, they won't be met, and we'll feel "sick at heart."
Wanting is key to feeling alive in a relationship, key to keeping the relationship vibrant for both people.
When asking, preserve the other person's freedom.
What happens if someone says "no" to what you want?
How do you react.
How can we ask in a way that doesn't bind the other person?
Give the other person an out.
Say something like, "I don't want you to feel like you 'have to' do this, but could you give me a ride to work tomorrow?"
Avoid the word need.
A "need" is something we have to have for survival.
We shouldn't cast our "wants" in terms of a "need."
Notice the difference between the two statements:
"I want to be close to you. And to be close, I need to feel like you are committed to me. So I would like you to spend one of the weekend days with me and see your friends on the other day."
"I need for you to be with me on one of the weekend days. You can't expect me to be close to you when you're gone both days."
The first request expresses vulnerability; the second feels more like a demand
Be clear, and be direct.
Make "I" statements, not "you" statements.
"I would like it if we could talk more than we have been doing. I would like to know more of what is going on with you. I feel out of the loop."
That's a lot more palatable than, "You don't ever really talk to me very much. You leave me in total darkness. Seems like you would want to tell me things if we were really close."
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1 comment:
Are you reading my mail? This is so pertinent to me at this point and time...my communications with those I really care about and have chosen to spend my life with need (oops, there's that word) serious work. Often, I become closed and don't talk much which causes my relationships to suffer. But I need (there it is again) my relationships to be complete...my relationship to God, my relationship to my wife, my relationship to my children, my relationships to my friends, and my relationships to my employees, supervisors and peers. All of these relationships play some part in my life. For some, the part they play is much more important than others (a big bubble, as our friend Randall would say) and for others, they provide the means to survive and provide a stable home and support for living. But the most important relationship, and the one I listed first, is my relationship with God. That's the one that I need (again) to get right and keep right; He will order my steps and keep me on the right path with all other things and relationships. His Word provides the guidance and instruction for having right relationships, not only with Him but also with others.
People need certain things for their physical and mental survival: food, shelter, medical care, etc. Other things in our lives, beyond relationships, are what I call "stuff" and can be adjusted accordingly. Do I need a new car? Stuff. Do I need a new suit? Stuff. Do I need to get every NFL game throughout the season? Yes...no, I mean Stuff! These things are nice, they may make life more pleasant but they're just stuff. I pray that God keeps me aware of the "stuff" in my life and never lets me lose sight of what is really important...Him, my family, my friends, my church, my relationships.
God is Good, All the Time;
All the Time, God is Good!
Jon
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