Jerk abuse

All of us deal with jerks in our lives.

(A great book (from a spiritual standpoint) on this subject is:  "Don't let the jerks get the best of you," by Dr. Paul Meier.)

Now we all have moments of "jerkiness" but some folks are just plain jerks (to use Dr. Meier's terminology).

They abuse us with their jerkiness.  I have a few people like that in my life - and so do you.

They always seem to do or say the wrong thing. 

What do you do?

If you are like me - the hardest thing to do is to react to jerky behavior in a godly way (and I have a self-imposed double pressure in this - being a pastor and all).

Dr. Meier suggest that three steps in dealing with jerky behavior and the anger that you feel - admit that the person's jerky behavior makes you angry by analyzing why are you angry, verbalizing the anger as lovingly as possible and neutralizing the anger through forgiveness.

Analyze your anger - in other words, is my anger legitimate?  If I get pulled over by the police for speeding, I am exercising a "false right" in becoming angry.  In other words, my anger is not legitimate.

If I expect perfection from others and that perfection is not met, I am exercising a "false right" in becoming angry - for as we know - no one is perfect.

Perfectionist (or the judgemental Christian) have an especially hard time with this.  Some of the angriest people I know are perfectionists.  They expect flawless behavior from their spouses, their children, their co-workers, their bosses, their pastors.

And when their expectations are not met, and someone doesn't deliver in the way they thought that person should - they get angry.

Unmet expectations always lead us to anger - and to jerkiness.

As a brother in Christ, one of the first questions I ask myself is this, "Do I act like that?  Do I say things like that?"  I try to use it as a tool to look at myself and avoid jerky behavior in the future.

Analyze your anger.

But we can also verbalize our anger (in the face of jerkiness) in a godly way.

One way is to use "I" statements.

"I was upset when I didn't hear from you.  I got worried."

"I don't think what you said was fair, and I didn't appreciate it."

"I get very irritated when the kitchen is left messy."

I have failed at this in the past and have reacted to jerky behavior with jerkiness. 

Here's the principle:  We never win with jerks by becoming jerks.

And then forgive.  Neutralize the anger by turning it over to God.

More than anything else, we as Christians struggle with forgiveness in the face of jerkiness.

Forgiveness is always given.  Whether that person deserves it or not.

But here is what Dr. Meier says, "beware of jerks who can do you harm."

As a pastor, that is hard, for I am called to minister to everyone.  I mean everyone.  Whether I like someone or not, whether they treat me like a jerk or not, when they are in need, God's calling for my life is to minister to them the best I can.

However, that doesn't mean that we will be best friends. 

Now a word of caution:

Too often, I see people who go to the other extreme of not talking to jerks at all, or avoiding them, or giving them the "silent treatment".  That is not what I am talking about.

I am talking about not placing yourself in a position where you continually experience someone else's jerkiness.  For example, you might be in a foursome with a jerk (playing golf).  Ultimately, the solution is not to play golf in the foursome (if speaking honestly with the jerk does not work).

Why be masochistic about it?

(By the way, if you are married to a jerk - get godly counseling).

Anyway, may we all be blessed with an absence of jerks in our lives - and even more importantly - may we not treat others in a jerky way.

Just a thought for a Thursday.