Do you care what other people think of you? Of course you do. Deep down inside all of us is a desire to receive affirmation and praise from those around us.
In fact, I have found that those who sound off the loudest about "not caring about what other people think," are deep down inside longing for approval and affirmation from others.
Yet, desiring approval can become a habit and addiction in our lives. If we are not careful, it can cloud our judgement and cause is to live in fear.
John Ortberg has written, “Some people live in bondage to what others think of them. The addiction takes many forms. If we find ourselves often getting hurt by what others say we probably have it. If we habitually compare ourselves with other people, if we find ourselves getting competitive in the most ordinary situations, we probably have it. If we live with a nagging sense that we aren’t important enough or special enough, or we get envious of another’s success, we probably have it. If we keep trying to impress important people, we probably have it. If we are worried that someone might think ill of us should he or she find out we are an approval addict, we probably are. Like other addicts, we will go to great lengths to get a ‘fix’ when we feel desperate. Yet, like other addicts, we find that no fix lasts forever, so we keep coming back for more.”
Henri Nouwen puts this problem in perspective: ‘At issue here is the question: To whom do I belong? To god or to the world? Many of my daily preoccupations suggest that I belong more to the world than to God. A little criticism makes me angry, and little rejection makes me depressed. A little praise raise my spirits, and little success excites me...Often I am like a small boat on the ocean, completely at the mercy of its waves.’”
Good stuff. If I was going to spiritualize it (and its okay to do that) I would say that ultimately, the only person in the world I really need to seek approval from is God.
That is so true, especially in ministry. "Live for God," and not just for "ministry" I tell all of the interns who come to our church.
To whom do you long for approval from today?
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5 comments:
At some level, I need to care what others think so that I am not operating selfishly and with my own desires. By looking for the opinion of others doesn’t automatically mean negative. I find the areas I most look for affirmation are the areas I know my skill level is the weakest, i.e., giving speeches. After a presentation I do seek out constructive criticism because how else will I learn to become better if I don’t seek advice. Approval is encouraging and presses me on to bigger and better things. If positive affirmation comes with it, I am thankful for the honesty of my friend. If someone just comes up and slams me I probably would get upset and not be as receiving of the comment directed towards me or willing to evaluate what was said to me. In the end, their disapproval means very little to me and I usually “consider the source”.
I think there are always time in my life where I need affirmation more than others, but I find the more I spend time with the Lord, more time I focus on the Word and what God wants, the less I care what others think of me. In ministry, there is no question people do not agree with me and my husband. They do not believe we are doing what is right, but I can move on despite their negative feelings because I know I am in the Lord’s will. When I know I’m being obedient to the Lord first, doing His will, what others say will not deter me from keeping my focus on God. And when my focus is on God, I am more confident in who I am and what I am doing. If it weren’t for my confidence in God, others' opinions would cause me to grow bitter and quit. I am not a quitter. When I get to heaven the only opinion that will matter to me is the Lords. While on this earth, striving to be a peacemaker is important, but not always necessary. Bottom line – look for approval from the Lord and you’ll never be disappointed.
I work in a specialized field where we learn not to depend on the words of others to define us. I have worked in places where over 90% of the comments were negative in nature but in no place have I ever received more than an equal amount. Praise does not outnumber criticism. Not that this is a bad thing, it's just a part of our lives that we learn to deal with. Other people don't define us, we define us...God defines us.
Over the years, I've learned that one of your final points is the only pertinent approval I need...I need the approval of God in my life, in my work for Him, and in my spiritual leadership within my home. All of that comes from God.
Of course, I want the approval of my wife (though when I don't get it, I still live) and I want the approval of my kids (but sometimes have to be the disciplinarian) and I want the approval of my friends (but not at the cost of my soul) and I want the approval of my boss (but not at the risk of my integrity) so all of these "wants" are tempered by other things. The approval I seek from God has no qualifying factors...I need to hear, at the end of the day, "Well done, good and faithful servant." I need God to embrace me! He is faithful to do that...especially when I struggle with the rest of the people who may not approve of me.
We all need affirmation from others in our lives...but it doesn't need to be the "driver" of our existence. God needs to be the driver of our existence. He needs to be the focus of our lives and the One we cannot live without. God is good to us, each and every day, and in so many ways.
Count your many blessings, name them one by one. Old song, still relevant!
Love God! HE LOVES YOU! Love people! You'd be amazed at what a little love can do to, and in, people. Give it a shot!
Jon
T.O., I've always thought you folks were doing good work. Don't know who wouldn't but there are always some who don't grasp new ideas and techniques quickly. Keep up your work with those teens because I see a difference in them! If you'd like to get together, the four of us, we could swap stories of how wrong we all are in what we do. Humor is a good thing! Laughter is the best medicine as Reader's Digest would say. We know prayer is better but laughter is good too!
God bless
Jon
Hi Jon. I think our postings crossed each other within seconds. You have great words above, especially "only pertinent approval I need...I need the approval of God in my life, in my work for Him, and in…my home. All of that comes from God." Also that “approval of others should not be the driver of our existence”. Great words.
There are always challenges in ministry because the devil will do everything to discourage us. We figure the more challenges we get, the more we must be doing something right, even though small, because why else would Satan care to bother so much - ha! Overall, with youth, we absolutely love teenagers, every aspect of their existence. It is an exciting and thrilling time, especially when you see one or two growing in Jesus in the process. We hope you and Kim will be coming Friday night to meet other parents.
Thanks...reading the words of others walking the path is very helpful and rewarding. I enjoy what you and Rick say here on the blog and wish more of our members would read and/or comment on these issues. I love to know the heart and the thoughts of those I minister with (and to) throughout the week. Keep up the good work.
God is all that matters...everything else is temporary!
God bless
Jon
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