When a relationship cannot be reconciled

How do you handle rejection when your best attempts at reconciling a broken relationship are rebuffed?

I don't think I have ever met someone who hasn't experienced a broken relationship in some form or fashion.

And, I trust that you have experienced the joy of reconciliation when that relationship is brought back together.

The negative thing is that sheer love for someone, many times, will not guarantee that the relationship will be restored.

Many times the person we are trying to reconcile with will refuse any attempt at restoration. That's frustrating and painful. We can begin to doubt ourselves.

Two things can happen: We can bail on the relationship entirely, or we can seek out other ways to bring the relationship back together.

When I teach, as I will in a couple of Sundays on resolving conflict (Blessed are the peacemakers) I try to give various ways that we can bring broken relationships back together. Yet even at that, there are no guarantees.

Sometimes, despite our best efforts and prayer, the relationship remains torn. Unmendable.

All we can do at that point is grieve. Grieve the loss of relationship.

This is what Jesus modeled for us.

He is the great example, actually the perfect example of someone who pours his love to the very people he created and offers them the opportunity to be reconciled to God.

However, most people want nothing to do with Him.

In one of the saddest verses in the Bible, John records in a single sentence the fact that Jesus "came to His own, and His own did not receive him" (John 1:11).

Jesus' response to the rejection of His offer of reconciliation was a deep grief and sadness that moved Him to tears and prayer for His people.

We see the Son of God's broken heart when He sits outside the walls of Jerusalem and laments: "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, the one who kills the prophets and stones those who are sent to you! How often I have wanted to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing!" (Matthew 23:37).

One of the most frightening truths that we all must face is the fact that we cannot force someone to love us, no matter what we do. Even if we take appropriate responsibility for harm we've done to them, confess our sin against them, and ask for forgiveness, there is no assurance they will respond in kind. They can choose to remain distant.

While an unresolved relationship is deeply disturbing, one of the most freeing truths is that no one has the power to stop us from loving them. And that's all that God calls us to do, to love others the way He has loved us (John 13:34;15:12).

We all wish there was a "next step" that would make reconciliation work out every time. Sadly, there is no such step. However, at those times when our best efforts at loving are rebuffed, we do have the opportunity to share in our Lord's sufferings, to experience His pain and His relentless longing for reconciliation (Philippians 1:29).

We need to guard against a false guilt that assumes we should be able to do something to "fix" every relationship -- as if it all depends on us alone. While we must take responsibility for our part in a relationship, we must not assume that we are solely responsible for the breach in the relationship.

Instead of holding another person responsible for their choices, we can tend to let people off the hook and blame ourselves for "not doing enough" or "missing something" that would be the key to unlocking the relationship.

That kind of thinking is not only demoralizing but controlling and unbiblical. God never asks us to assume responsibility for others, only ourselves. That needs to be our focus. We are responsible to people but not for people.