The advice you didn't ask for

Everyone once in a while, someone will approach me and give me their advice (opinion) on an aspect of church life.

Some of the time it is helpful, other times it goes in "one ear and out the other", other times still, it is some form of negativism that it difficult to hear.

(I was sharing with someone today that the first six months in our new church facility I almost emotionally drowned from the unsolicited advice that came as to our new building - and how to use it.  It was a horrible season of my ministry life).

So, how do you deal with unsolicited advice?

I was reading about an article in the Wall Street Journal that summarized a series of studies which proved what many people may know from experience - that giving advice isn't always helpful, in any sphere of life.

Let's take marriage as an example.  Researchers at the University of Iowa conducted a series of six studies that tracked 100 couples for the first seven years of their marriage.

They conclude that both husbands and wives felt lower marital satisfaction when they were given too much advice from a spouse, as opposed to too little (some would call that nagging).

The researchers focused on a fundamental biblical principle:  serve your spouse, or put the needs of your spouse ahead of your needs.

Their conclusions?

Let me give them to you in bullet points (on how to give unsolicited advice):

- Make sure the person your are giving advice too (spouse, co-worker, boss, pastor) actually wants your help.  You do this by asking a simple question.  "Would you like some ideas on that?"

- Stop and listen.  Some times listening is even more effective than giving advice.

- Tell a story instead of giving a principle.  I learned that from a friend of mine about 10 years ago.  We would be in a situation at the church, and instead of telling us "what to do" he would tell a story from his own life or a story that he had heard - with the punch line being exactly what we needed to hear.

Now then, how do you handle "unsolicited advice"?

- Be gracious. 

- Respond with a "thank you," to acknowledge the thought.

- Share that they have "given you a lot to think about".

- Tell them that at the time, you weren't looking for advice.  This allows for the possibility that down the road you may want advice.  Then explain what would be helpful to you.

The key phrase?  Here's one that I use:  "you may be right."  That way you aren't committing yourself to their thought - either positively or negatively.

Just some thoughts for a Tuesday.