Resentment

Have you ever resented someone? Of course you have. It's not much fun. Resentment is like a drug, it becomes addictive and can bring all kinds of harm in our lives.

I have truly resented two people in my life. While there have been others who have hurt me, there are two people in my life who when I think of them, or have some kind of contact with them, there are all kinds of negative feelings and emotions that come forth like a volcano.

To be candid with you, I can't think of one positive thing that comes from holding resentment in our lives.

Resentment destroys relationships. Some people are so bitter over "that person" in their life, they won't speak to them or have anything to do with them, even though "that person" is a close relative or they see them frequently.

You're going to take your pride or alienation to the grave with you.

Sometimes your resentment alienates you from close friends. If you've ever had a relative go through a divorce, you know the tendency to divide into camps; in order to be a friend to somebody, you must be an enemy of their enemies.

Wow.

Resentment alienates you from people because it destroys your personality. I don't know many great things that Buddha said, but he did say one thing that was good. He said holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal in our hands with the intention of throwing it at someone. We're the ones who get burned.

Resentment is emotional suicide. It's self-inflicting because it destroys the personality. Maybe you withdraw into a shell and become protective, planning never to allow yourself to get close to somebody again because it hurts. You're the loser. You become vengeful, joyless, negative, and bitter.

Proverbs 17:22 says, "A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones." There are minority groups, some militant feminist organizations, and some bitterly handicapped people who have become resentful and angry. Although they have legitimate hurts, they are so bitter in expressing and vocalizing that people don't listen. Prejudice is a terrible sin—but so is resentment.

Martin Luther once was so depressed over a prolonged period that one day his wife came downstairs wearing all black.

Martin Luther said, "Who died?"

She said, "God has."

He said, "God hasn't died."

And she said, "Well, live like it and act like it."

In The Living Bible, Job 5:2 reads, "To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do."

What can I do to deal with resentment?

The very best prescription is prevention.

Don't allow yourself to be resentful. The Bible says that God buries our sins in the deepest sea and doesn't remember them any more.

We can't forget because we don't have that capacity. At least, it takes a while for us to forget. But we can bury the past.

If we're going to get along with people, the best way to overcome resentment is not to let it happen. When somebody hurts you, just bury it and go on. Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. Don't get your feelings hurt easily. Just forget it and go on.

Peter once asked how often he should forgive a man. Seven times? Jesus said, "Seventy times seven." In other words, forgiveness is just a continual attitude in our lives. We realize people are people and don't let resentment build.

But what about wounds from the past so deep you just can't overcome them? You're struggling with bitterness and resentment. What do you do? The first thing you have to do is to admit the problem. Jesus confronted Peter with the issue. You will not be released from resentment if you deny it's there.

Rick Warren has a slogan: Revealing your feeling is the beginning of healing. Don't deny resentful feelings.

Admitting your feeling is the beginning of healing.

Job 7:11 reads, "Therefore, I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul."

I think that means you find a close friend whom you trust and say, "I don't need a lot of advice. I just want to tell you about some of the bitterness I've been feeling, and I want you to pray for me." You admit the problem.

Decide to forgive. Some people say, "I don't feel like forgiving. I don't want to hear about forgiving, because I can't forgive." It's not a matter of feeling. It's a matter of obedience to the Lord's command.

Harry Emerson Fosdick said that when he was a boy, he overheard a conversation between his dad and mother at the breakfast table. He heard his dad say, "Tell Harry he can mow the grass today if he feels like it." As his father left, he heard him call back, "Tell Harry he'd better feel like it."

Forgiveness is not a matter of whether you feel like it or not. It's a matter of a command from your heavenly Father. Mark 11:25 records these words from Jesus: "When you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins."

Forgiveness is not an option; it's a command. I doubt if Jesus felt like going to the cross, but he did it because he was obedient to the Father even unto death.

By the way, remember the question Jesus asked the helpless paralytic at the pool of Bethesda? The guy had been paralyzed for 38 years, and he asked him, "Do you want to get well?"

I would ask some of you who have allowed resentment and bitterness to fester for a long time: Do you want to get well? Or do you really like nursing that grudge and feeling sorry for yourself and getting attention? Do you want to get well? If so, you will forgive.

Take the initiative. Jesus initiated the conversation with Peter when, after his resurrection, he said, "Go tell the disciples and Peter."

Sometimes when we've been wounded, we sit back and wait and pray that the person who really hurt us will come and fall at our feet and beg for forgiveness. Then we'll forgive them. But that seldom happens. Most of the time, if we are resentful, we have to determine to forgive and take the initiative ourselves.

Matthew 18:15 says, "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." Go tactfully, but take the initiative.

Release the offender. Romans 12:19 reads, "Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: 'It is mine to avenge; I will repay,' says the Lord."

When you begin to forgive, you say, "God, I turn this person over to you." You're not saying they didn't hurt you or that you were in the wrong. You're saying you're not the judge or the executioner. You're saying, "Lord, I'm going to trust any vengeance will be taken by you."

In Psalm 109, David struggled with resentment:

O God, whom I praise, do not remain silent, for wicked and deceitful men have opened their mouths against me; they have spoken against me with lying tongues. …

Appoint an evil man to oppose him; let an accuser stand at his right hand … May his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow. May his children be wandering beggars; may they be driven from their ruined homes. May a creditor seize all he has; may strangers plunder the fruits of his labor.

Aren't you glad he's a man of prayer! See what he's doing? He's telling God he's bitter and admits it. He's going to release it to God but is giving God some suggestions about how to get even.

Ruth Graham said it was a great day in her life when she realized it was not her job to change her husband. She said, "It was my job to love Billy and God's job to change him." It's not your assignment to make somebody pay. You release the offender to God.

Focus on the future. There's value in analyzing and reviewing your past just as there's value in occasionally glancing in the rearview mirror of your automobile. But there's a time to get your eyes off the rearview mirror and onto the road ahead. That's why the Bible says in Hebrews 12:15, "See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to trouble and defile many."

Believe that forgiveness is possible. Believe that, through the power of the Holy Spirit working in your life, the forgiveness can take place.

Father, help us to forgive those who have wronged us. May we worship you continually in Spirit and in Truth.